For better for worse, huh?

In Summary

Stand by me. But to what limits? There is an explanation for a woman’s choice to defend their spouse, irrespective of whether he is guilty or innocent, as Gillian Nantume discovered

Partners of men accused (or convicted) of crimes find themselves caught between a rock and a hard place. The million dollar question is: to stay or not to stay?

When 26-year-old Night Adyeri* stumbled upon her husband and step-daughter having sexual relations, her first reaction was to pack her bags. The girl and her father had always been so close, Adyeri suspected nothing but innocent love between them.

However, a month outside her marital home convinced Adyeri that she had made a mistake. Her husband never called, and her peers persuaded her to fight for her man.

Back home, Adyeri became a co-wife to her step-daughter, until one day, in a fit of jealousy, the girl reported the matter to the police. Adyeri stood by her man and declared his innocence to whoever cared to listen.

As outsiders, we can only imagine what goes on in the minds of such women. There are several layers to a human being so it can be hard for people to fully take in what their partner has done, when they know him to be completely different.

Emotional bonds
When people have sex there is a lot of emotional bonding. This bonding can have a positive effect, but a negative one as well.

Ali Male, a counselling psychologist, says that bonding is stronger when a woman reaches orgasm.
“The oxytocin chemical is released in the brain during sex and it creates bonds of trust and generosity in both partners, although it is stronger in the woman. Because of oxytocin a woman will form an unbreakable attachment to her partner that will blind her to his criminal side.”

Blame it on the hormone, but criminals like highway robbers, assassins and murderers actually have wives who love them in spite of their crimes.

Defence mechanisms
When a relationship is abusive a woman will find strategies to hide the abuse from the public.
“In our cultures, women are taught that a man is never wrong,” says Male. “Whatever happens in the home cannot be shared with outsiders so women silently suffer abuse because they fear that society will blame them for their men’s bad habits.”

Some women fear to face the loneliness and stigmatisation that come with the end of a long-term relationship.

Children factor
Robinah Nambi* knew that her husband was a night dancer. There were signs, he slipped out at 11pm and returned in the wee hours, dirty and smelly.

Night dancing is not an offence in the law, and besides, Nambi could not face the prospect of traumatising her children with the truth about their father.

Then one night, her naked husband ran past a neighbour who alerted the whole village. The ensuing shame and attacks were too much for Nambi and she walked out, leaving the children.

Male says that by nature, women are sensitive to the way their children view them. “At all costs, the marriage must remain perfect. She will tolerate anything so that the children’s opinion of their father remains protected.”

Dealing with it
Now that the crime is out in the open, accept the situation.