14 August 2016

How cheating ruins a relationship

Cheating is betrayal to the other partner. It hurts so much that the partner goes through the same grieving process as one who has lost someone. Depending on the severity of the problem, a partner can go through denial, blaming themselves for the cheating partner and asking themselves why it had to happen to them. There are smart partners who will conceal their cheating habits. But even with the concealed behaviour, cheating will always affect your relationship.

Why people cheat
Depending on the type and level of relationship it is, the causes of cheating may be numerous but they normally arise from unresolved issues in the relationship. According to Ali Male, head of counselling at YWCA Uganda, cheating is a habit that grows gradually. It starts slowly and as time goes on, one will find joy in it and it may be hard to stop.

“The major cause of cheating is sexual dissatisfaction. Once a partner is not sexually satisfied, they will find options of getting the satisfaction through cheating,” he says.

One’s character can cause their partner to cheat. For instance, if you have a nagging partner, you may seek refuge from another woman who will give you peace of mind. “Another group of people who cheat are those with low self-esteem,” Male says.

“For economic reasons, sometimes people cheat because they want to get what they do not have. If the current partner cannot provide, they normally cheat to make ends meet with a richer person,” he says, adding that, “Influence from friends can also make one cheat because this person sees other people cheat and it is okay. It is about the environment that you are in and the kind of people that surround you.”

According to Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, a counsellor at Suubi Medical Centre, cheating partners usually become angry even with the smallest mistakes.

Their guilty conscience overrides them. They normally find a mistake with the other partner and are not as free as they were before they started cheating.

Lack of intimacy
At some point, the cheating partner starts distancing themselves and the intimacy between the couple reduces. Whenever they are close to each other, they keep wishing they were with the other party. They normally find an excuse to keep away from the partner.
“In a short time, the other partner will find out that you are cheating. This is because the cheating partner will lose moral authority and will start talking about the side-dish even in the presence of the spouse. He or she may mention the name or tell you to do something the way someone else does it,” says Kharono.

Loss of trust
It is hard to gain trust from a partner but very easy to lose it; and once it is lost, it may be hard to regain it. Once your partner finds out you are cheating, he may say he has forgiven you but he will not freely believe in you even when he seems not to care.

Children out of wedlock
According to Moses Jjuuko, a social worker, people who cheat are sometimes not smart enough that they get children from the cheating relationship.

“Besides bringing diseases that are sexually transmitted in case there was unsafe sex, a cheating partner can also have children outside the legal relationship and those children are looked at as a threat and not welcome to their real family. Some men deny knowing the children because they fear facing the wrath of their wives until a DNA test is done which is usually very expensive,” says Jjuuko.

Breaking through
The consequences of cheating are adverse and they not only affect the offended partner but it may also affect children if the couple has any. If you are the cheating type and you are married, make sure that your partner does not find out from someone else. You should be the one to reveal it to your partner.

“It is usually a hard task but it is the cost of cheating on your partner. You should be the one to break the news or you may lose the relationship,” says Stephen Langa, a counsellor at Family Life Network. “However, it must be done at the right time and mood. You can seek help from a neutral person or counsellor to help you disclose.”

He adds that after disclosing your cheating habits to your partner, you must be ready for the reactions. The offended partner will feel betrayed and you should be ready to apologise. Also cut off the links with the person with whom you are cheating and let your partner be able to realise that you are a changed person.
Langa says, “Gaining trust from the offended partner may be hard and cannot happen in a few weeks or months but be transparent in whatever you do and keep the communication flowing. Do not let your partner become suspicious.”

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