Connecting with children after your separation

For many parents, the road after separation is messy. And it is not just the heartbreak of a failed relationship with your partner that makes it all tough to stomach, a number of other losses come into play; the so many in-laws you had built a relationship with may now hate your gut, the mutual friends—even the activities that had now become tradition following your union.

Perhaps what is usually harder is when your ex is granted custody of the children, leaving you to face the disturbing possibility of losing a relationship with your children. For someone who was used to your children’s cries, laughter and other activity, seeing an empty corner without their school bags and deafening silence in your new house must drive you up the wall.

You find yourself missing them, or worse still, fearing that this may be the beginning of how you lose touch and completely lose a relationship with your children—a saddening thought
Luckily however, that does not have to be the case, as Norah Tukamushaba, a parenting expert with Family 101 Uganda reveals, the options of keeping the relationship with your children intact are unlimited.

So what do you do?
The first step is to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex that now has the custody. “There is no other way around this. You have to build a workable relationship with the custody parent; otherwise your efforts to stay connected with the children will not amount to much,” Tukamushaba says.

She says it is important to establish to the other parent your need to maintain a relationship with your children, and showing your interest to work together so the youngsters can still have some feel of a complete family. “Explain to them how much this means to you. Much as the love between the two of you may be out of the window, he or she is most likely to appreciate your effort and offer to make this happen because at the end of the day they also want their children to feel the love from both ends.”

With the custody parent in the loop, Tukamushaba says the rest is possible. The best way forward is to work out a plan where you can be granted access to your children. Important to note however is that the custody parent may be reluctant to allow physical interaction with the children soon, especially where the issue that drove you apart suggests your presence as bad influence, “For instance where your alcoholism, drug addiction or violence was the basis for the separation.”

In this case you may need to prove yourself. Do not therefore be offended when the custody parent asks that you talk to the children only on phone. Just take it on and prove yourself.
“Call in and keep involved in some of the activities you were initially a part of. You could still read the bedtime story on phone, and talk to your children about their day-to-day activities to stay in the know of whatever is going on in their lives,”
Tukamushaba advises. Better still, she adds, “Write them letters if you must, or send them a movie or a book depending on their interests; it shows how much you love and care for them and that is very important.”

Physical interaction is always better
Gradually, with you showing how much of an effort you are making, you should agree with the other parent to grant you physical access because this makes it easier for you to build a more concrete connection with the children.

This is something Samson Ojangole,35, a tour operator agrees with, having once separated with his wife and only coming back together 11 months after.

“It was challenging being away from them most of the time. My wife remained welcoming and would allow me meet with them at home. Occasionally, I could even take my eldest son with me to my upcountry work travels, which helped me keep our relationship solid and even after we reconciled, I did not feel like I had missed 11 months with my children,” Ojangole explains.

Engage them
Always make use of any time you get together with your children. It is important you engage them in activities they like—take them to a movie or even ice cream if it thrills them. “Attend your daughter’s sports day at school, or visit with a gift on their birthday —This takes you a long way in staying involved in their lives,” says Tukamushaba. This makes them feel family and distracted from probing your reasons for separation.

All in all
It is however important to note that the whole purpose of staying in your children’s lives is not just to make them like you but to keep your influence and guidance as a parent alive in their lives, “So do not just have fun and get lost in playing their buddy, make sure you caution, reprimand and advise them as a parent, after all you are keeping a connection to be a parent not to win them over as their friend.”