Case of tough father-in-law

For many years, in-laws and the quarrels they start have been the subject of several stories. But when one complains of having in-law problems, what comes to mind? A nosy old woman keen on constantly picking fights with her children’s spouses? Given the stories that are constantly told, one can easily be forgiven for imagining that mothers-in-law are the only meddlers in their children’s marriages.

Society’s perception of fathers-in-law
The father-in-law on the other hand, is one individual who is rarely talked about. Unlike their wives who, to many are like the matriarch monsters, fathers-in-law are the quiet ones who never shout.

They are commonly peace-loving old men who will never be caught interfering in their children’s private affairs. In fact, cases of fathers-in-law having confrontations with their children-in-law would be frowned upon. However, this is not always the case. While mothers-in-law are known to be the habitual meddlers, there are fathers-in-laws who are equally over bearing.

Tough father-in-law
Joseph Nsereko, a 35-year-old businessman knows a lot about horrible fathers-in-law for he has one. “My father-in-law is a rich man who loves to show that he is in-charge of everything, including his children’s lives. He was never in support of me marrying his daughter,” he says.

The fact that he was not from an equally rich family and is from a different ethnic background was reason enough to make the father-in-law object to him marrying his daughter. Despite the resentment, Nsereko went ahead to marry from this family but it has not been a smooth road.

“Even after the two years, my father-in-law still does not treat me with respect. He keeps on rebuking my wife for having married a pagan and peasant even in the presence of my son!” he narrates.

Attacked
When it comes to in-laws, John Malinga (not real name) thinks he has been the most unfortunate man. As far as he is concerned, his father-in-law is just the worst in-law any one can ever have.

“I met my wife at campus where we started dating. Unfortunately, she became pregnant before finishing university and since I had completed and even had a job, I invited her to move in with me so as to keep an eye on her. When my father-in law learnt of this, he stormed my house and created a scene,” he reveals.

“Then, I of course understood why he was furious, seeing as I had taken his daughter without informing anyone. To resolve this, I organised for the introduction and wedding. But currently, he still has a negative attitude towards me,” says a frustrated Malinga.
He says he has run out fingers counting the number of times he has tried to settle issues amicably with his father-in-law.
Now, it is only after hearing such stories that one realises that in as much as they are quite uncommon, there are horrible fathers-in-law who simply put; are fond of usurping their wives’ roles.

COUNSELLOR’S TAKE
Henry Nsubuga, a counselling psychologist at Makerere University, acknowledges the fact that dealing with in-laws can be a challenge. And as such, he points out ways through which one can create a good relationship with such a father-in-law.

Appreciate him: For starters, it is important for you to appreciate him as the father of your spouse. By so doing, you will learn to understand why he acts the way he does. Every parent has something they want for their children. It could be a career or even a spouse.

Therefore, it’s quite understandable for a father-in-law to put up some resistance should he think that his child is making the wrong decision of a spouse.
“The best you can do is to understand him for the love and concern he has for his daughter, who is actually your spouse,” he advises.

Try to earn his love: Some times in life, we are not immediately appreciated by the people we deal with. It is after we have proved our worth that people start to appreciate us. This calls for you to be at your best so that you earn the love of this otherwise difficult father-in-law.

“ How he eventually treats you depends on how you behave towards him. Should you try to retaliate, then chances are that he will resent you more. But if despite all his unbecoming actions, you treat him with respect, he will start to perceive you differently.” he says.

Involve other relatives: If your father-in-law is difficult, work on creating a good relationship with other relatives, for instance the mother -in-law. Your good relationship with these other relatives will gradually convince him that you actually mean well.