My smartphone recently vanished, having grown legs and walked away from my bag on a busy Saturday morning. What I miss the most is the many notes and reminders I had saved on this phone.
As a result, I forgot half my appointments and now I guess there are two people on this earth who are privy to the intimate details of my menstrual cycle- myself and the person who ended up with the phone, oh dear!
Anyway, one Good Samaritan came to my rescue and gave me another smartphone, a gift horse I looked straight in the mouth and almost rejected, on account of its malformed teeth. The problem with this new smart phone, is that it is not very smart.
If it were a student in class it would be consistently ‘number last’, you know, that student whose poor performance is resistant to extra tuition, beatings, tears, prayers, exorcisms, bribes or threats.
I don’t know why the manufacturers of this phone, (I won’t reveal their name but it rhymes with ‘Your Way’) decided that the target market for this phone was the tiny demographic of people with webbed fingers. That is the only explanation I have been able to come up with for the strange positioning of the letters, so close together that I have had to develop the very strange style of typing with the vertical edge of my finger. I have been reduced to holding down the screen like some uncooperative chicken about to be slaughtered, so that I can type one letter at a time. See me now, as the Nigerians say.
This amazing product from Your-Way is also entirely non-grip, meaning that like an oily fish, it quickly and efficiently slides out of my hand and onto the floor. Well, on the plus side, it is also shockingly heavy, which makes me confident that should I ever be attacked in this big bad city, I have something akin to a portable cement block to protect myself with.
This has been a eulogy for my beloved Samsung GT-S560, 2011-2015. You served me well, and you will forever be missed. RIP.
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